Calum McSwiggan

Summertime Sadness

In Eat, Love on May 27, 2012 at 10:38 am

Skater boys

‘I think I’ll miss you forever, like the stars miss the sun in the morning skies.’

– Lana Del Rey

As I lugged my bright green Calvin Klein suitcase through town, it never really occurred to me that I was preparing to leave forever. I didn’t look back at my flat as I pulled the door shut behind me, I didn’t think twice about the memories that every corner held, and I didn’t think of all the people I was casually leaving behind.

I had one foot out of the door for so long that when it finally came to leaving I barely even realised. As I walked through the city centre a final time, I laughed at the things people were wearing, and gawped at all the gorgeous boys who’d come out to celebrate the British sun, and then as if going nowhere special, I got on the bus to the airport and waved my final goodbyes.

It wasn’t until I pulled the headphones from my pocket and pushed them into my ears that I began to truly realise that I was leaving. As the bus pulled out of the station and began to drive past the skate-park, Lana Del Rey burst through my ear drum and I felt a lump catch in my throat.

I watched the hot skaters flipping through the air, laughing and jostling with one another, drinking cans of cider, and basking under the warm summer sun. I had spent every summer by that skate park at Derby’s annual gay pride- surrounded by friends, drinking questionably neon drinks, collecting endless free condoms, laughing at the sarcastic jokes of sassy drag-queens and willing the hot skater boys to take off their tops.

It was this positive memory that stuck in my mind as the bus drove away and left Derby behind, but then as I passed the homophobic post office, I remembered all the reasons why I was leaving, and smirked. I was leaving behind the homophobes, the liars, and the cheats; I was leaving behind boredom and mediocrity; I was leaving behind a place that’s says no when my body screams yes- I had been living in the past, and my time to leave had come.

The strangest thing about leaving and declaring myself a nomad is not having a set of keys jingling around in my pocket. I keep reaching down and panicking, thinking I’ve lost them, and then I remember- I have nowhere to go back to, nowhere to store my things, no place to call my home.

I gave up a life of security for a life of adventure, but already it’s paying off. Instead of writing this on a collapsed bed in a dark hollow room overlooking the grey streets of Derby, I sit writing on a Spanish balcony overlooking lush green valleys and the beach where topless German boys sunbathe by the sea.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go practise my German.

Ich bin ein homosexuelle. Möchten Sie sich nackt?

  1. Ask this to those hot German boys: “Bist schon geil. Willst du mir einen blasen?” You’ll “thank” me later lol. Love ya.

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